"do you have mommy issues?"

well i'd rather pull the trigger than answer

Gather round and listen to the tale of an eldest daughter’s relationship with her mother.

Many say I look like her, my mother.

I take it as a compliment of course for she is beautiful in my eyes.

She always is. Right?

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The cracks started to show when I was around 9 perhaps.

I remember it so vividly, she was teaching me the multiplication tables.

9 x 1 = 9, 9 x 2= 18, so on and so forth.

I was struggling with the 9’s specifically.

After many minutes of trying hard and counting with my little fingers, she got livid.

“Bakit ‘di mo makuha? Tanga ka ba? Madali lang oh!”

(“Why can’t you get it? Are you stupid? It’s so easy!)

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There’s a stigma with Asian parents that they verbally and/or mentally abuse their child when it comes academic and extracurricular excellence.

Of course, there’s the expectation of securing a good future.

That’s what all parents want right? Regardless of race.

But how far are they willing to go to secure that future?

Are they willing to risk their child’s mental health? The relationship they have with them?

Signs point to yes.

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Going back to the story, from that day forth, small yet noticeable cracks started appearing in every crevice and corner of a this roofed place I have to call “home.”

From learning about financial issues, infidelity, facing hits, sexism, eldest daughter expectations, co-parenting, being the unpaid family therapist at an age that shouldn’t even know what half of these mean, I find myself blaming her.

In the back of my mind, every single time I would face a scolding.

Every single time I would make peace between her and my father or sibling.

Every single time she makes a snarky comment on strangers.

Every single time she would argue with any one of us in public.

Every single time she would excuse her behavior because of how much worse parents were in her time.

Every single time I look at myself in the mirror and poke at my stomach in shame.

So many scenarios, one thing in mind.

It’s all her fault.

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“Anak andami mo nanaman kinain!”

(Child you ate so much again!)

“Kababae mong tao, ang dugyot mo naman sa gamit!”

(For a girl like you, you’re messy with your things!)

“Ako yung grabe yung pagod, hindi lang kayo!”

(I’m the one who’s awfully exhausted, not only you guys!)

“Nung bata ako, mas lala pa yung ginawa ng lola niyo sakin. Magpasalamat kayo na hindi ako ganun.”

(When I was younger, your grandmother treated me much worse. Be grateful that I’m not like her.)

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She has mommy issues too. She’s the one who reminds me and my sibling how traumatized she was from her own mother. She’s the one who has justified so many times that she “cares” for us.

But 13-year old me thought,

“If she hated how her mom was, why does she have to be like her?”

Will I be like her?

Am I like her?

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Day by day I improve on my flaws.

Ones that make me overthink.

Ones that make me insecure.

Ones that make me pessimistic.

Ones that I know came from her, she just won’t admit it and question it anyway.

I swore to myself that I love myself too much to not be the woman she is.

I love my father too much to not be like her.

I love my sibling too much to not be like her.

I love my mother too much to not become like her.

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Author’s note:

My last post before April ends. The past 4 months have been eventful, to say the least. I saw a heart-shaped flower bush and it made me very happy!

Anyways I digress, I wrote this while my mother is away. Her absence made me think of her even further. Me and my sibling were talking about her mishaps. They keep thinking negatively about her. They’re only 13. Too young to worry about it but it’s too common nowadays that it’s the norm.

Thank you again for reading, and may the stars bless the upcoming month!